Van Morrison is one of my favorite artists of all-time for a number of reasons—the equally scratchy and soothing palate, the versatility to breeze through an acoustic pop tune and murder a blues track on the same album, randomly shouting out take numbers on some of his songs, the fedora, lots of things.

But if I had to boil it all down to one song… it’s his second song. Not his best.

I’ll explain.

For context, his first song is “Brown Eyed Girl.” First track. First album.

Even the most passive of music fans know B.E.G, whether they know who sings it or not. It’s a song that’s etched into music history and will be passed down from generation to generation and live on as part of music history well beyond the stocky Irishman’s last day on earth. A forever hit.

The rest of his career has simply been building a legacy as a music icon. A legacy he’s doing his darnedest to tarnish, but we’ll get to that.

So how does he follow Brown Eyed Girl?

On the next song, he says THIS:

“Listen Baby, I know The Beatles Wanna Hold your hand…

but girl..

when Ringo ain’t Home…

I’ll give ya this Jellyyyy Rolllll.”

— VAN MORRISON

via my personal interpretation

of an unconfirmed metaphor

He Aint Give You None

From 3:40 on, Van isn’t so much singing this song as he is talkin’ his Irish Whiskey shit.

I done more for you than your Daddy has ever done, baby

Made you learn your syllables

Gave you my jelly roll and he ain't give you none

Stay on the move

In the back street, I gave you my jelly roll

I can feel it in my soul that means a whole lot more than porkin’ a young lady in an alleyway. What I truly believe is that he knows “Brown Eyed Girl” is THAT good. So fuck it. Song two, I’m talking all the trash. And he does so in what sounds like a drunken stupor of 1960s Irish blues.

“Made ya learn your syllables.”

What a perfectly cocky line, and laid down while stumbling all over his own [syllables].

I think the girl he’s calling out to in the song is actually a metaphor for all music fans. And her Daddy, who ain’t give her none, stands in place of the popular music acts of the late 60s.

It’s hilarious, arrogant, and oddly arousing. What is a jelly roll exactly? I’m sure I could look it up in a heartbeat but I’ll choose imagination today. It’s his dick. A dick that inspired other Irish dicks decades later…

Connor McGregor has stated on a few separate occasions that Morrison is one of his original inspirations for his infamous trash talk. Which, if you think about it, makes a lot of sense. Both of them, at their peak, were the representative Irish faces of a worldwide fascination—Music & MMA.

Ok, that’s actually not true, but it’d be cool if it was.

You know what else would be cool?

If Van didn’t put out “They Own The Media” and a few other similar tracks.

An easy way to discredit the opposition in a controversial situation is to call people crazy… but anti-semitism… I mean, what the fuck else is there to say?

Forward.com

“The concept of Jews controlling the media dates back to the antisemitic text the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, which was first published in 1903. It was promoted by Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels, who said in 1933 that “The Zionist Protocols are as up-to-date today as they were the day they were first published.”

Oy vey, Van.

Perpetuating hate-adjacent speech through old tropes is as weak and pathetic as Van’s old man dick trying to go multiple rounds without Roman wipes.

And guess what, there are plenty of Jewish people in media. So the fuck what? Does one singular group of people own and control the media? No, they don’t. EVEN IF THEY DID… what is the big, evil agenda that Van and other weird old guys need to stop?

This trope was pushed forward by Morrison in 2021 and previously in 2005, not with a pitchfork in hand, but not discreetly either.

Crime & Punishment

Old Man Van is cranky and drunk. He’s not evil. He’s also not relevant or influential at this point in his life & career. No one worth mentioning is hanging onto Van’s every word on media mind-control techniques. He was put in the back of my musical rotation for a while, but he won’t be removed. A quick timeout to cool off, like a child’s temper tantrum. He’s not the first old guy to get a little extra angsty.

Honestly, I respect the man’s dedication to creating new music and touring at 77. That’s a lifer right there. I want that kinda vigor in my 70s. If I can hoop, talk some old man shit, and back it up (to a reasonable degree), I’ll be happy.

ALSO, some of the other controversial topics that he slurs his words on are at least solid rhetorical questions.

“Why Are You on Facebook?”

“Where Have All The Rebels Gone?”

As far as what he’s actually trying to get across… it’s hard enough to comprehend the lyrics to some of his most popular songs, let alone those that deserve to fall by the wayside. So take what you want from a Van song and continue on. Or don’t take anything at all. Don’t listen. I can’t tell you what to do.

The guy’s made a million songs over five decades. There’s bound to be a couple stinkers wedged in there.

“Moondance” is one of my top 10 favorite songs ever.

Astral Weeks / Cleaning Windows / Gloria / Into the Mystic / Stoned Me … so many more.

But “Why are you on Facebook?” by Van Morrison… the best part about that song is that the song title actually exists for us to chuckle about.

You want to speak out against vaccines? Whatever. But to drum up an old Nazi trope against a people that have been through one of the world’s worst tragedies is completely unnecessary. Don’t care if you’re old and out of it.

Sure, it feels like we’re far enough removed from that kind of evil but it’s never something that should go unanswered.

Which is why this Kanye shit shouldn’t be taken lightly either… part 2 coming soon.