The unseen truth of Barstool Sports is hidden in plain sight, and impressively so.

What was once a fun, organic place to gallivant about the internet on a pirate ship, has become a white-collar creative sweatshop that milks every single ounce of humor and original thought from the malnourished “personalities” of the Barstool universe — 18 hours a day — 7 days a week — 51 weeks a year.

These bloggers have become shells of their former selves.

Left unable to enjoy genuine social interaction without angling for content. Incapable of finishing a sentence without saying “allegedly” even if no claims are made. Totally devoid of any semblance of dignity they may or may not have possessed before joining Barstool.

This investigative report was conducted by a small team of private detectives and supplemented, corroborated, and confirmed by:

• 9 Celebrities who appeared on Barstool podcasts and shows in the NYC HQ from 2017 to 2022

• 7 Athletes who appeared on Barstool podcasts and shows in NYC HQ from 2018 to 2023

• 6 Neighborhood Delivery Drivers in 2019 and late 2021 (USPS, FedEx, DoorDash, Uber Eats, etc.)

• 17 Barstool employees — all of whom had been employed for a minimum of two years during the time of the investigation.

• All of whom shall remain nameless, as requested.

The Unseen Truth

Prior to the move to New York City in 2017, the bloggers were promised a more natural work-life balance and the best health services money could buy. It was an exciting time that sparkled the eyes of the Milton commuters and the remote writers. There was certainly an investment in the “health” of the employees… but for all the wrong reasons.

The investigation uncovered, unfortunately so, that the Barstool talent is fueled only by what’s provided by the company’s latest sponsors — High Noon, One Bite Pizza, Mountain Dew, Mott & Bow Jeans, etc.

But what keeps them chugging along is a microscopically-enhanced concoction developed by Purdue Pharma dubbed “The Cocktail”. It’s injected into any vein and puts the brain in perfect balance to function creatively, no matter the state of the body.

It’s administered twice daily to each employee by a green-screen-equipped team of makeup artists that moonlight as what Vegas-goers may know as Needle Nurses

They wear full-body green-screen suits so that the hi-res, pixel-by-pixel replacing cameras can remove the nurses and this illicit activity from the camera-feed in real time. Photographic evidence is presented in the report below.

But before we get to that, we’ll detail some personal horror stories of the subjected employees.

A Scary Salad & Promises Unkept

There was one particularly horrid day, a New York City scorcher in July of 2022 that landed between advertiser deliveries and a One Bite Pizza restock, in which a poor, heavyset soul, hallucinating from the heat and an accidental third “Cocktail,” made himself a devastating attempt at a salad our of pure desperation:

Labatt Blue served as the dressing and although our source was unable to get a close enough look at the cherry tomatoes, they were described as “nothing less than suspect,” while the shredded cheese was “quite clearly loose leaf.” The antibacterial 'made-for-taint’ Dude Wipes served as the spring mix. If only for appearance, but digestion may have occurred. Was unable to confirm.

Some of the more senior bloggers have begun to show significant signs of wear and tear. Most commonly, it’s exhibited by a hunched back and a curled neck (commonly referred to as “Jelly Spine” by medical professionals), spotting blindness, drifting lazy eyes, missing fingernails, and chronic constipation and/or diarrhea… regular bowel movements be damned.

Beyond hard drugs, the writers have come up with a wide variety of coping mechanisms to combat the ailments of content mill life.

The Missing Pinky Finger

One of the tenured writers, “KFC,” invented a creative solution for the fingernail issue, a problem that affects 80% of the writing staff’s elder sect. Take the clear adhesive strips found on new phones and electronics, stack two or three together, cut them into shape, and adhere with a thin lining of clear, non-toxic glue, and voilà. Fingernails.

His counterpart on KFC Radio, Barstool’s resident chain-smoking lesbian, “Feitelberg,” is a living, breathing lunch bucket of vices.

Tenured contributor and former Editor-In-Chief, “Kmarko,” does the same for all 9 of his phalanges. This is one of the reasons that a Barstool’s original team member is no longer at the forefront of the site’s content.

We were able to obtain medical records which explained the finger loss in detail:

“The pinky loss started slowly via tendon failure. Unable to curl his finger at all to hit the “?” key, it eventually paralyzed and disintegrated shortly thereafter. Overcompensating for the lack of tendon strength, the knuckles began grinding against each other with the click of every key. The finger became a loose, useless phalange, hanging from the hand.

According to the patient, the pinky simply slid right off one day. No blood, nor pain. We believe the constant see-sawing of the knuckle bones pressured the nerve endings into a total shutdown, so he didn’t feel a thing. The nerves now compromised they’re essentially swimming in darkness trying to find the brain signal — the brain simply had no way of knowing a pinky was still there, so the blood supply to the phalange was shut off.

We sutured it closed at the second knuckle and he was back to work the same day — high as a kite on a pain-numbing, brain-racing cocktail [ BUSY BEE12 ] from Purdue [ PURDUE PHARMA ] — which we cannot stress enough needs to stop.

We beg of Barstool’s leadership to please stop administering to the Barstool staff.”

A First Hand Account Of the Hot Take Hamster Wheel

As the “hot takes” are churned out, bit by half-baked bit, across every medium imaginable for clicks, shares, pageviews, and followers, their health suffers and their creative utters are milked until there’s nothing left; the constant tugging and pulling leaving them red, flaccid, and chafed. Metaphorically of course.

If Barstool HQ is Santa’s workshop, it’s not the cheery North Pole we’ve seen in the Christmas movies of our youth.

It’s more like the Family Guy “South Pole” version.

PIXEL-REPLACING HI-RES CAMERAS; The medicinal Fountain of PRODUCTIVITY; AND “THE COCKTAIL”

Beyond those tied in equity to Penn, the highest-paid Barstool Sports employees are actually the green-suited makeup artists. Every day they perform the miracle of transforming these exhausted heaps of flesh into presentable human beings without being shown on camera; even doing so during live shows.

The green suits cover their body, head to toe, for the high-resolution cameras to mask the outline of the green-suit, pixel-by-pixel and replace it with the previous frame before the figure appeared in it.

It’s a technological video advancement that the CIA stole from Barstool in 2022 and has used in multiple operations around the world since that time.

The makeup crew / needle nurse staff is well-equipped with IVs, enhanced B12 shots, adderall/ritalin, microdoses of LSD and magic mushrooms, adrenaline injections, and other medical supplements to maximize production by exhausted staff members. This is all in addition to the daily double of “The Cocktail.”

The makeup staff is strictly forbidden from looking Barstool characters directly in the eye, even while doing mascara, to prevent any in-person human connections being made that would distract them from pumping out content or even consider a life outside of Barstool.

As mentioned, they are paid handsomely. Not only for their skillset, but for their secrecy.

HUMILIATION TACTICS

Should Barstool staff share any evidence, even accidentally, of the makeup/nursing staff, they are subject not only to termination but to legal and financial ramifications and humiliation methods; including but not limited to: sitting through a full taping of a “Tommy Schmokes Art Exhibition” on repeat until the subject is able to declare it “genius” on a polygraph examination. It’s a punishment that can take months, even years, to complete. That being said, acquiring photographic evidence was no easy task, but our heroic informant set up a bluetooth triggered micro-camera in the rafters at 7:30am, three hours prior to anyone coming in to work, in order to capture the picture above.

As you can clearly see in the undoctored image above, the green-suited staff member preps a needle to bring the sullen interviewer back to life.

Due to the after-hours crash of any number of productivity cocktails, it’s not uncommon to find workers sleeping in the elevator, or passed out only a few blocks from the building. The nursing staff expertly doses the bloggers to crash within an hour of leaving the office—an effective way to assure they’re well rested and prepared for the next day, often providing them a minimum of 4 hours of sleep in a deep, coma-like slumber.

It should be noted that these practices were first put in place within months of former CEO, Erika Nardini joining Barstool Sports.

EVIDENCE: Glitches in the system

There are moments you can catch in live footage that reveal the green-suited staff without actually showing them. It will appear as a lag in the stream but it’s actually a makeup member walking in front of a subject. It only happens for a flash before it recorrects. Similar in nature to the splicing of images by Tyler Durden to enhance Bambi and other quality family films.

Observe.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK —> CHI-TOWN

Yes, this was all really happening in the heart of the middle of Midtown, Manhattan, New York City, New York, NY, and is now very likely happening in Chicago, Illinoise. Even with cameras laid out across the office like it’s an eastern European World War I minefield to capture every single second of potential content, they’re able to get away with it.

Overall, it’s truly a brilliant maneuvering and a technological advancement that will be stolen and abused by public, private, secretive government agencies, and militaries for decades to come to alter live televised events and any number of recorded events, as the CIA already has.

For a media company that prides itself in honesty and transparency… to literally make their handymen and women transparent to the YouTube skewed eye is both an impressive and devilish achievement.

The Architect of this Madness

It’s sad that no one cares about these blogging cattle, herded on every single platform the internet has to offer, only to be slaughtered in the comments section and in the totalitarian office of their illuminati-tied President, David Portnoy.

Not only has his wealth grown beyond measure, but so has his hair, and it’s rumored that he actually has a retractable finger on each hand. His hometown sports teams have seen unprecedented success in the last two decades, most recently with the Boston Celtics and Michigan Wolverines. He was even partying on the Celtics duck boat like he was a part of the team. Maybe he was. All of this success has directly benefitted the company, and every attempt to take him off his iron-clad throne has been thwarted.

Someone needs to put a stop to this madness and take a stand against this man.

Hopefully this investigative report is the first step in that process.

p.s.

None of this is alleged.

It’s cold hard fact and these people NEED HELP.

Please call your local congressmanwomanalien to support the cause.

Special thank you to Business Insider, New York Post, and HBO for your efforts over the last five years.

We did it.

Barstool won’t survive this.

They can’t.

Can they?